E X H A L E
Currently writing this from the cutest coffee shop ever created. I considered myself a coffee shop connoisseur prior to moving to L.A but because I can literally spot one every few blocks my obsession with quiche, iced coffee or should I say cold brew since that’s what they seem to call it out here has increased tremendously.
Today doesn’t mark a significant amount of days since I been here or anything like that although that was my initial plan for my next blog. I pictured myself titling this stamp, 90 Days In A New State or something to that nature but when the Spirit speaks, I must obey.
And so, here I am; sharing my thoughts with you on a random yet sunny afternoon. Reporting live from the Valley at Black Heart Coffee House (shameless plug)
If yall could see my coffee shop list it’s bananas! Every Monday and Friday, I venture out to find the best of the best. Good coffee is hard to find but I finds it!
I pray that all is well for those that are reading this stamp today.
I go back and forth with the thought of launching a personal blog aside from the Passport and maybe one day I will…until then, here is the latest Passport stamp, titled, EXHALE.
For awhile now, watching the movie Waiting to Exhale has been on my to-do list. According to Twitter, the film hits way different as an adult. That and Stella Got Her Groove Back and I plan on watching both really soon.
For those that don’t know, last year I made the impulsive decision (hey libras) to go under a pen name. I did the pen name for three reasons.
1. I wanted to feel free to write what I wanted too. Many of my readers are still waiting on books that I don’t have the mental capacity to write.
2. My life was changing and I wanted my writing to reflect where I was in my healing journey without being judged.
3. Sometimes, I just want to fulfill a fantasy and that’s not always a super duper long book. A pen name gave me the power to write creatively again. Same thing as number 1 basically.
I didn’t have any expectations with the pen name because writing for me is still something that I am very passionate about. With or without a successful release, I find myself wanting to write. I’m very thankful that every day I am afforded the opportunity to do what I want to do. It’s a blessing that I will never ever take for granted.
Three months ago, I decided in less than eight days that I wasn’t going to wait any longer to move. I’d been wrestling with the idea for months but kept trying to justify my decision. As the oldest child and the rock of the family, my decision didn’t just include me. I had people that I felt socially and mentally responsible for but then a few job opps landed in my lap that required a move immediately.
Guess what?
On the second day of me arriving to California with three suitcases, I got a call saying they ended up going with someone else.
On my last interview (out of eight chile) I made a mistake and clicked over and it was my mother instead of the interviewee and kind of panicked.
“MOM! OMG YOU KEEP CALLING ME AND I’M ON THE PHONE WITH NETFLIX!” I screamed into the phone.
I was horrified when the woman laughed and said, “I think you pressed the wrong number.”
Although, they told me that it wasn’t an issue and we could proceed with the interview, I never recovered and it was very hard for me to get back into it.
When I spoke with the agent that I was hoping to be hired by, he told me that when the call ended they told him that I wasn’t the person for the job. I was very angry and as I looked around my empty apartment, I didn’t know what to do.
Months later, I can talk about it without sounding or feeling defeated.
I’ve EXHALED.
I went downstairs to the lobby and asked was it too late for me to get out of my lease. I was so thankful that I didn’t run my mouth to too many people nor had I posted yet so I could return home and save face.
Yes, I technically still had a job based in California but it was not why I moved.
I came here for the opportunity – or at least that’s what I thought.
Lesson learned and one my father kept trying to get me to understand was that you don’t make any moves until the paperwork is signed. I was led to believe that I really had the job. Yo, eight interviews and one in person? I knew I had it in the bag!
I was sad for days and then I pulled it together.
Reminding myself that technically I was ready for a fresh start with or without the job. The DREAM job at that!
I felt incredibly alone in Atlanta. Not many friends. Single AF and still healing a heart that I didn’t break. Trying my best to lose weight, clear my skin, stack money, grind all the while living vicariously through my mother and sister who in my eyes had a thriving social life.
It was a lot to deal with back home and one morning I woke up and told myself, “You’re here now.”
I planted myself in California.
I EXHALED.
I wrote intentions and a prayer for myself on the plane ride to the west coast. It was important to me that I remained focus on my WHY. Even when the WHO changes.
Three months later, I am still here and it’s honestly no place I rather be. This move signified so many things for me.
It reminded me that there was still a fearless soul dwelling inside of me. Life tends to happen to the best of us and I felt like I had lost the most important parts of me – in other people.
I needed to reconnect to Nakoreya.
Not Nako, the author.
Not Nako, the friend.
Not Nako, the person that everyone called.
Being here alone wasn’t isolation in my eyes it was more of a journey that I didn’t know I needed but it was everything I’d been wanting.
I’ve found joy in exploring the city. Being stressed out in traffic. Smiling at every black face I see because they’re sort of rare in my community. Embracing my alone time. Being out solo dolo has been rejuvenating me in ways that I didn’t imagine.
I’ve exhaled because I don’t have to worry about anything that doesn’t concern me.
Being in California has been a reset button in many ways.
My confidence.
My dreams and desires.
Standards in relationships and friendships.
Understanding my worth. My value.
What I want in life. What I want for myself.
Everything feels better now and man I am so thankful.
Expectations have diminished and I now take life one day at a time.
I’m very thankful for the last five years of this journey. The highs and the lows. I swear some days I found myself questioning God in the corner of my closet. Screaming from the bottom of my lungs wondering why did I have the life I had. On the outside, everything looked so good. I promise you it did but it wasn’t.
My heart is full of gratitude when I think of where I’ve been and where I’m at now.
Now, I’ve incorporated healthy boundaries with friends and family. If there isn’t any room on my plate for problems that aren’t mine then that’s what it is.
I’m comfortable with blocking those that no longer deserve access.
I’m super private now and that’s okay too. I share what I want. Thank you God for that close friends feature on the gram.
My phone lives on DND because this peace can’t be fucked with and that’s on period.
I want to build a life that I’m proud of. One that doesn’t feel heavy at night.
Waking up shouldn’t be a struggle and in Atlanta, only God knows I felt like I was dying every single day.
My smile is pure and my heart is in the right place.
I’m dating. I’m getting out – allowing people to love me for who I am and not what I have.
I’m meeting new friends and manifesting my very own tribe here.
I struggled immensely with relationships and friendships back home. I no longer harbor any ill feelings or resentment towards anyone.
Life happens and I have literally had to cut a lot of cords. For a very long time, I possessed a woe is me mentality.
I did this and that for a lot of folks and when it all boiled down to it, the love was not in return. It used to pain me to admit that no one cared about me. But, I’m thankful for God and therapy.
EXHALE.
It feels so good to be able to E X H A L E.
I am confident in knowing that what’s for me is for me. When God is in the middle of it you don’t have to chase, beg, plead or hunt it down. And that goes for EVERYTHING. In complete transparency, it took me a very long time to be on social media from a healthy place. I couldn’t be on there without feeling triggered by every little thing and it was so frustrating that I was more happier being deactivated.
no invite?
Wow, they’re having fun why didn’t anyone invite me.
Oh look at her! She’s so small. I wish I was her size.
Dang! Her and her dude got back together. Wow I wish my ex could call me.
Yall, I can keep going. I don’t even think it was jealousy – it was me wanting to be included in everything. I constantly pray for the spirit of being overlooked and rejected to detach itself from me. It’s the enemy and I keep it rebuked.
It was me wanting to be loved aloud like I’d always done to others. What I did realize was that imposter syndrome is real and that it isn’t talked about enough amongst black women. We’re too scared to admit it. Trust me I know. I’ve always prided myself on being a bold black woman but listen here…
If you’re reading this – TAKE YOUR TIME AND GIVE YOURSELF GRACE.
I needed those moments of solace. Instead of mindlessly scrolling social media, I journaled, prayed, cried out to God, sought therapy, I loaded myself up with self-care and I’m not here to tell yall that I am all the way together but one thing I know for sure is that I give myself grace every day.
One of my new daily affirmations that has changed the game is I trust the vulnerability of being human. I’m allowed to have a bad day. It’s okay for my feelings to be hurt I just don’t let it linger forever. I’m now prepared to deal with my emotions without automatically wanting to shut down and admittedly, instantly want to die. Depression and suicide is real. I’ve been there and I work so hard on a daily basis to never go back. If you are reading this – it will get better. This too shall pass.
This time last year, every day was a struggle. If I never cry again I won’t be mad. Lol. Tears of joy now! Thankful that I persevered. Grateful for my momma. Thankful for friends that loved me harder on the bad days.
Another is, STAY WITH GOD. It’s hard to remember this although it sounds simple. I was so mad that I didn’t get that job but when I thought about did I really want to be someone’s assistant? No.
I would’ve done it to get to where I want to be but I know God has bigger and better in store. Stay with God because sometimes we’ll let our flesh lead us when really our faith should be in Him.
THERE IS JOY IN THE JOURNEY.
You’re reading this from someone that lost two very close people to her in a matter of a few weeks and it turned my entire world upside down. You’re reading this from someone who has made so many mistakes but guess what? There is JOY in the journey. Life gets better.
Also, seasons are real.
I served seasons in a lot of people’s lives and vice versa. Friendships are seasonal – not all of them but some are and you have to learn to accept that.
Of course, we all have our Day 1s, that’s a given but there are plenty of us that desire friends for where we are currently and that’s what I’m manifesting. Local and like-minded friends with hearts as big as mine.
And it is so.
How good does it feel to EXHALE?
I was talking to someone the other day and she said that the year of 28 was amazing for her. She shed dead weight, caught off useless friends and let go of her ex and thrived in her career.
It was wild because I read a post from Myleik and she said the same thing about the year of 28.
I’ll be twenty-eight in a few months and yall, this is the healthiest I’ve been in years. My skin is glowing. I FINALLY got my spending habits in check. I am in a great place with my family and friends. I got over my ex and cut off all the losers. I’m no longer using sex to fill a void. I spoke to my aunt who basically raised me. I hadn’t had a conversation with her since I was fourteen years old. I apologized to people who I knew I wronged. I repented. I did my due diligence in a few situations and I am pressing forward.
God is GOOD.
Myleik said that the year of 28, “Is the time to make big life decisions. She advised to keep it moving, keep quitting, keep starting over and to keep learning.
The year of 28 is to learn how to be in community with other people. These people that you’re meeting along your path are going to be the people that eventually save you. And by “save” I mean be the connection to the life you truly desire.”
Whew.
Yall, I have it favorited in my photos and it’s written down in my dream journal. May the year of 28 in a new city be BLESSED.
I’m getting out as much as I can. I work a full-time job and I’m still writing as much as I can with plans to finally go back to film school since now it’s no excuses or distractions. I’m also on the road to losing 100 pounds which is another stamp for another day.
I hope that you read this and realize that it’s time for you to stop holding your breath.
EXHALE.
Maybe, EXHALING for you will look different. You probably can’t move coasts in less than a week or you don’t have weight to lose and skin to clear. Maybe you’re happily married or in a relationship and your friends are great. If that’s you – BLESSINGS. I love it!
If you are reading this and you know all it takes is the decision to Inhale the bullshit and EXHALE greatness then DO IT!
Allow this stamp to be the push you need to step into the next chapter of your life.
Being on the same wave your whole life shouldn’t be intentional. Switch it up. Do something different. Six months from now, where do you want to be?
That’s what keeps me going every day.
Growing in my career, down a 100 pounds and a few more clothes sizes, more stamps in the passport, bestsellers, new business ventures, awesome girlfriends and a man that loves me for who I am is what I’m aiming for in the next six months.
Every day is intentional. I wake up and choose to love me all over again every single day.
I think one of the best things I could’ve ever done for myself was going to therapy, strengthening my relationship with Christ, writing letters to the people that hurt me and then throwing them away, finding my voice yet remaining lowkey while I healed and moving to LA.
I know that from here the only way to go is UP.
I’m excited for what’s next. I’m staying with God and I suggest you do the same.
EXHALE.
With love,
NAKO
